In my first post I talked about losing “a lot of weight”. Let me stand corrected. I won’t tell you the exact number but it was somewhere between 25-30 lbs. In this “Biggest Loser” world my weight loss is really insignificant. I have never been close to bring morbidly obese, obese or even really that overweight. But that doesn’t negate the problems I have with eating. At my worse I was having McDonalds at least three times a week. I called Ronald McDonald, Dr. Ron, my therapist. I am an emotional eater. I binge. I am compulsive. I use food as reward, but also to mask my inner feelings. Tired, sad, boredom, guilt, grief, pain… you name it, I’ll eat to suppress all these feelings.
The more I try to control the food, the more it controls me. Losing weight is not the hard part for me. The hard part is keeping the weight off. When I lose weight I have a goal in mind and I set my mind to it. But things get rocky once I meet my goal.
I recently read (or at least listened to the audio version) the book When Food is Love by Geneen Roth. Highly recommended if you are a compulsive eater, emotional eater or if you binge eat. When I eat compulsively, I eat when I am not hungry, and then when I am full that I can’t eat another bite, I eat more, and more and more. I have no control of how much I eat, what I eat or how long it will last but I never binge on vegetables.
Question: If I eat well 5 days out of the week, will two binge days negate all that? Is depriving myself of sugar and fat throughout the week leading me to this behavior? When I binge I am completely out of control. Something else takes over and I can’t do a thing about it. Afterwards I feel guilt, shame and sadness that I lost control and ate so much.
Today was one of those days. Tomorrow will be better. I hope.
We all have those days where we do something we know we shouldn’t. I hope tomorrow is better too. Maybe the hardest part is forgiving yourself for the actions of today and letting yourself start over tomorrow.
So glad you are sharing!
Thanks Brie! You are my inspiration for this.
Food is constantly my reward for a tough and emotional day – I don’t know how to combat that at all. I can fight it when I’m feeling good, but not after a hard day with the kids…
Maybe I need to find this book! 🙂
I hope tomorrow is easier 🙂
Lara, I highly recommend the book. You can get an audio version of it on itunes. You can exercise and learn at the same time. I listened to it while I ran. Made the running so much more bearable.
I still think food is a great reward for a tough and emotional day… the problem is eating too much of a reward! A handful vs. 10. That is my problem. Once I start I have trouble stopping!!!!
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