I spend some time re-reading some posts from the past years. I recognize a pattern. Striving to be healthy, happy and present and never feeling that I am there. Feeling like it will never be good enough. Will it ever be enough? Will I ever get to that place where I am satisfied with who I am, and where I am going?
In the recent years I have suffered many losses. The loss of my mother, the end of a marriage… As I try to rebuild, I know what I have to do, but getting there takes a lot of effort and sometimes I am just too tired to do anything. When I am at my best, I am eating healthy, exercising and present with my kids. When I am at my worse I am doing the opposite, and I hate myself for being that way. All I want to do is crawl under a rock, and let life pass me by. The problem with that is that with every moment I am under that rock, time keeps ticking by. Life keeps moving forward. The world won’t stop because I am in a funk.
As I reflect on the past year I see how far I have come. I have made some progress to being closer to the “me” I want to be. I do trust that I will get there someday, but when the darkness comes over me I can’t help but think of how far I still need to go. Old habits are hard to break. I am a work in progress and as long as I am moving forward I am doing ok.
3 steps forward, 2 steps back is still moving forward.
4 steps forward, 2 steps back is still moving forward.
Self doubt is my biggest enemy. When I believe in myself, and in my ability to be who I want to be, I can move mountains. But when the doubt sets in, it puts me in a tail spin and makes me run under the rock, seeking all the negative behaviors that dig me deeper under the rock. I don’t want to be there but it is the only place I feel safe, when the going gets tough.
I am a work in progress. I am doing the best I can. Life has thrown me some curveballs that have knocked me down, hard. The great thing about suffering though, is that you come out better then before you were knocked down. Maybe not instantly but eventually. You learn from life, and from the way that you react to the curveballs, and it makes you a better, stronger you. It also makes you very aware that life isn’t always easy. That bad things happen that you have no control of. It is the way you react that will determine the outcome. Stay positive. Find the light. Find a way to learn from your hardship. And be present in the moments when life is beautiful. When you are surrounded by the people you love and the people who love you in return, dark side included.
We are all works in progress. We are all doing our best and trying to get through the good, the bad and the ugly. My wish for myself, and for the rest of you in the upcoming year, is to accept who we are, and work every day to be a little better then the day before. And if we fall, we get back up, and try again.
You never know what tomorrow brings.