This morning I cried. I cried out of disappointment and pure exhaustion. I feel like my life is a constant uphill. Trying to live up to my expectations for myself, for my children is exhausting. Pretending like everything is ok, that I can do it all, that I don’t need help from anybody. It’s all an illusion people. I struggle everyday, some days more then others. The standards I set for myself and for my children are impossible to achieve, so I am in a constant state of disappointment. Disappointed that I can’t do it all. Or is that something I tell myself?
When will enough be enough? We all live in these illusions that some people have “made it”. Those happy people, with happy marriages, happy children. Facebook, twitter, instagram all perpetuate that illusion.
An illusion of truth. The truth is that we all struggle, some people more then others. Some days more then others. When I look at my pictures on facebook or instagram I think… Wow! what a great life I have. I am so lucky. But behind the pictures of happy kids and a fit mom is a person who struggles. Struggles with self doubt. Struggles with trying to keep it all together. Struggles with trying to keep that illusion that everything is ok.
The truth is… my life, as happy as I can be in some moments, is a constant battle. Trying to manage two kids and a dog on my own, while trying to work, stay healthy and have somewhat of a life of my own. Just saying that out loud (or on paper or blog or whatever) just made me feel guilty. As hard as my life is in some moments, I am lucky. I have supportive friends, family, ex-husband. Everyone is healthy. But that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle, have bad days, moments. Moments when fear and worry take over… and the dreaded self-doubt.
I believe that self-doubt is our biggest enemy. Our biggest challenge to overcome. Learning to trust yourself and your instincts. I shouldn’t speak for you but I have spent most of my life trusting others to make decisions for me. Why? Because I didn’t trust myself. I always thought others knew what was best for me. I don’t know where this self doubt comes from but it is my biggest challenge to overcome.
If I were to listen to those people, they would tell me not to write this post. Don’t let people see your weakness. Keep that illusion going… but it has to be told. The truth.
The truth is that it is all an illusion. Because sometimes the illusion of truth is so much better then the reality of life.