“I am still learning”

It is 7:30 am. I woke up at 6:54 am. So far I have eaten 2 pieces of pizza and 2 toasts (slathered in butter + peanut butter + honey). I put milk AND sugar in my coffee.

THIS IS NOT PALEO.

I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS BREAKFAST.

Problem is, I have a problem. I lost my way sometime between Thursday and today. As I sit and think and overthink and obsessively think about the “why?” of the situation,  I realize this is just my typical NEGATIVE FEEDBACK LOOP. This loop is part of my ENDULGING/DEPRIVATION CYCLE that made me start to write this blog in the first place.

Here is how it works

1. MIA EATS WELL. MIA CHOOSES THE RIGHT FOOD. I am making choices and I am enjoying the paleo life.

Problem: It takes a lot of time and effort to do it 100%. You are always “on”. You can’t just grab a coffee and/or go out for food. You need to have food on hand. Always. When you come home from a long day you need to have dinner planned and or prepared. Everything takes huge effort.

2. MIA FEELS GOOD EATING WELL, MIA SEES POSITIVE EFFECTS IN HER BODY AND MOOD

Problem: I am now running myself into the ground trying to keep this going. I get obsessed with staying clean. It becomes a competition with myself. I take a look in the mirror and I like what I see. I see differences in my training. I train more.

3. MIA GETS SICK/INJURED

Problem: I overdo it.

4. MIA IS TIRED and ANGRY

Problem: I’m mad because I have worked so hard to get where I am and my body reacts by getting sick and or getting hurt. I realize that it is probably due to overtraining. Too much of a good thing isn’t a good thing. The result is that I don’t have the energy to make food and or mentally be conditioned to say no to easy yummy sugar filled treats. Usually starts with a coffee at Starbucks and then…

5. MIA INDULGES

Problem: This starts with a coffee and ends with pizza for breakfast. I am unstoppable. During the indulgence phase. I do not care about anything. I eat everything that I CHOSE not to eat during my PALEO CLEAN phase. It makes me feel lethargic, depressed, angry and makes me eat more out of shame. It is the SHAME SPIRAL of the whole thing. This would be ok if I was still training 2x day but I am usually injured and or sick and can’t do anything. Adds to the shame of it all.

6. END OF SHAME SPIRAL and/or INJURY/SICKNESS

I eat and drink enough to disgust myself, my body heals, I get back to the gym. Usually the shame spiral ends after a couple days. I get back on track and I go back to #1. And then once I get back on track I think…

Imagine where I would be if I would have stayed on track this whole time…

One step forward, two steps back. The dance of life.

It’s funny (funny weird not funny haha) that this cycle has been going on since I was a kid. I was a competitive gymnast. When things got serious (right before the time I quit because it was too excessive) I had to eat a certain way to stay light. My coaches monitored what I ate. No more McDonalds before competitions like the early days… On the weekends when I would get my allowance, I would bike over to the Provi-soir (corner store) and get ringolos, a bag drink (remember those), a crunchie bar and some gummies… I would then bike to the back of the school, sit on the swings and eat it all in one sitting… never telling a soul (until now).

You would think I would have learned by now. All my friends who can do the whole “eat in moderation” thing always tell me…

“Just have a bit, in moderation” . I’ve heard it millions of times… And my friends, I am trying. I am learning.

Ancora Imparo

My binge (indulgence) phases used to last MONTHS and used to include smoking. They now last days… and I usually won’t NOT exercise unless I am sick or injured.

I know I still need to learn moderation in my life… Or I have to accept that I do things to the extreme.

I’m going to try not to worry so much about it and continue to enjoy life. Try not to beat myself up. Just do what I can. Use what I have…

And never give up.

P.S. I re-read this post and it made me teary and then I realized there was another factor that I never mentioned in this cycle. HORMONES. P.M.S.

I also realized I over use the… oh well… sorry grammar police.