Fear. Fight or Flight.

The response to something scary.

I have gone through more “scary” things in the last 5 years of my life then the 30 something years beforehand. Death of a parent. Chronic Illness. Divorce. When I think about it the thing that resonates in my head is…

“This wasn’t the way it was meant to be.”

But then when I dig deeper I realize that I wouldn’t be where I am today without the hardships… and in fact, going through and facing my fears have been my greatest accomplishments and have lead to great things. This I am proud of. I have come a long way from the person I was 5 years ago. I almost feel like an adult.

But I still have fears.

I have learned a lot in the last couple of years but one thing sticks out of my mind.

Great things come when you face your fears. My greatest moments have been breakthroughs after doing something that scared me to death. Some are little, some are huge. Teaching my first class at the Y, saying my final goodbyes to my mother, publishing my first blog post, realizing that my marriage would not end “happily ever after”… All these scary things brought me closer to who I want to be. They taught me how to be strong when all I wanted to do was run away. The truth is that there is so much beauty on the other side. Beyond the fear.

But still some fear. 

I am a worrier by nature. I am also a people pleaser with a guilty conscience. If I had one wish in the world it would be that everyone would be happy. ALL THE TIME. Through the years I have come to realize that I can’t make everyone happy. It still annoys me.

When I was going through the rough times I had a wonderful therapist who helped me through. One of the things she asked me was “Why is everyone’s happiness more important then your own?” One of my biggest fears was hurting someone deeply, and I would compromise my own happiness for the sake of another. I still struggle with my people pleasing personality but I am learning that I need to trust my instincts, believe in myself… and when something scary comes along just keep breathing and push through.

My second greatest fear is failure.

I once heard a song and I wrote the lyrics on a post it note which is sitting on top of my computer… artist unknown to me.

“I am no master, I know nothing… but I believe in the good things coming.”

But the time is now.

There is no happily ever after… but you can be happy now no matter what life throws at you. Make the choice to work towards what you believe in. If you fail, try again. If it is truly worth it I will come to be. And if it scares you… its probably going to be great. You just have to believe.

I believe… or at least that’s what I tell myself.