So, it turns out that not blogging has not made me any more productive. In fact, I’m in a bit of a slump. I could blame it on my circumstances, having a sick kid at home, lots of traveling… but really I have no real excuse. I haven’t had much personal time to organize my thoughts, my training, my food prep, my life, my future… So it’s all been sitting in my head. I’m just constantly thinking about the things I need to do but haven’t done… non-stop 24/7.
I had an epiphany this last week (I just googled epiphany to make sure it was the right word to use… weird that I just told you that). I experienced a sudden and striking realization that I have spent most of my life letting people tell me what to do and make decisions for me. This may come from being a people pleasing middle child with a controlling (and loving) father and mother. Or just a lack of confidence that I’ve had since I was a kid. I realized that I have rarely failed at anything and the reason is simple. I never went out of my comfort zone. I never gave myself a chance to fail cause I never did anything that I thought I could fail. I play it safe.
I have come to a time in my life where I don’t give a shit what others think. I realized that what may be good for others may not be good for me. I realized that to live the life I want, I needed to take risks. Leaving a marriage and starting a new career. I have been told time and time again that my work is more a hobby then a career. Maybe I need to get a “real” 9 to 5 job just in case. But I believe in my passion and my drive. If I died tomorrow I would rather have spent my day in the gym making half the money then I would sitting at a desk rotting (no offence to desk jobs it just isn’t for me).
The problem with all of this is that I am taking lots of risks. I am completely out of my comfort zone. I live my life in fear every single day that I’m not going to “make it”. But the difference between now and then is that I believe in me. There are lots of moments of doubt, of fear, of shear panic over my future… but mostly I just believe I can do it and work towards my goals. No more playing it safe.
It’s all about progress. I feel like I have so far to go… and I’m already 38 years into my life… but if I look back at the progress I have made in the last 3 years I should be proud. Well I should be proud of the whole 38 but the last 3 were when I started to really live the way I wanted to.
I’ve gone through years of chronic pneumonia and a major depression when I wasn’t living the life I wanted. I was living the life that others chose for me. I don’t blame anyone but myself, and I don’t regret a thing… Everything that I have done in my life has lead me to where I am today. And as scary as it is I am going to continue to believe in myself, and build a life that I’ve always wanted.
So all you 20 somethings with a dream… Follow your passion and work hard. Don’t play it safe. Learn from me. I knew what I wanted to do since I was a kid. I wanted to be a gym teacher like Mr. Fox. Turns out, I am… only for really stiff and sore adults. I took the long road, but you don’t have to. Follow your gut, work hard and hold on to what you believe.
And don’t settle for love. Don’t be afraid to be alone.
Well… ask me again in the future. I am still hopeful for things to come when the time is right. That time surely isn’t now.
This is the time for my redemption.