Today is day 1 of 100 days of sobriety. I have avoided this day for a while because this is not my first (and let’s be real) not my last day one of sobriety. I have always fantasized of living a sober clean existence; no booze, no weed, no SSRI,’s, no eating my emotions away or avoiding my feelings of worry or anxiety. Just me. And so far, this has not been possible. I have come close, but it never sticks.  

The problem is, I don’t think I have a problem with alcohol. In fact, if you look at my life you would agree with me. As a teenager I did binge drink and overindulge many times over, but for present day me, that is not the problem. I drink a few and then I’m done. Two pints. Two glasses of wine. Fini. Except… 

The problem doesn’t lie in my drinking but the aftermath. It makes me tired. It makes me depressed. It makes me less motivated to go to the gym and move, and to eat the quality food that helps heal my very inflamed arthritic body. In fact, now that I think about it, it is the greatest barrier to living the life of my dreams. 

I have the life I have always dreamed of; a job (or two) that I love and that brings me purpose. Every day I pinch myself because I can’t believe that I am a middle school teacher. I have three lovely boys, all healthy and thriving. An amazing relationship with my ex-husband and an awesome supportive partner who is understanding and patient and kind about all my emotional outbursts, burnouts and crazy overworking personality. Two dogs, two cats and two guinea pigs, a house that I love and a life that I don’t want to escape from.

So why do I always feel the need to escape?

The truth is that, from what I know so far, I want to escape MYSELF. My constant bombardment of emotions, the worries in my head, the foreboding joy that doesn’t allow me to ever feel off guard that something bad will happen if I am too happy. And the limiting belief that if I am too happy or too healthy I WILL DIE. Maybe that is because my mom died of a horrible disease at a time in her life when she was her happiest. Maybe it’s because I just don’t trust myself that I can actually follow through with anything because my track record is shit. Or maybe, it is just how I am, and will always be, and that some things you can’t change because that is the way you are. Point final. 

So the question is: What would a sober life look like for me? 

I know because I have done it before: I am clearer, more joyful, more healthy, less depressed…

Truly how I want to be in life… So why don’t I stick to it? 

That is what I want to uncover in the next 100 days. Stay tuned.