Note: I debated a long time on whether I should post this… 1, 2, 3… I feel like I’m on a dock ready to jump into the lake and the lake is really cold… so I keep chickening out. 1,2,3.. Let me re-read it one more time… Sometimes I wonder why I write the things I do… this was supposed to be a post about something else but it transformed…
I have had a lot on my mind these days. Doing a lot of things in that uncomfortable zone where there is a chance of failure, a chance of rejection, a chance of pain. I have also thought a lot about this blog. About how far I should go in talking about my pain, my vunerabilities, and my life. Sometimes I think I should keep it to myself, or to my few chosen few who have earned my trust. That unless you have earned my trust you do not get to see this side of me. The side that I like to keep hidden. The side that makes me feel weak, vunerable and at times unlovable. But then I think… it’s about being authentic. The reason I feel like I should not share is because others tell me that I shouldn’t. They say that they keep these things to themselves. That I should not put myself out there.
I want to be me.
If I am to be authentic, I want to use my words and the story of my struggle to help others feel like they are not alone. Because I am alone. Just writing those words out. I am alone or I am lonely. It appears to be pretty damn pathetic. And scary to put that out for the whole world to see. (BTW this is where the post took a turn. My original intention was not to talk about being alone)
Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE MY LIFE. I have a great life and I feel grateful every day for what I have. I do not wish for more then I have right now. But sometimes I wonder…
What I am doing all this for?
I eat clean, I rarely drink anymore. I go to bed at 10pm (at the latest and I am being generous)… I train during most of my free time… and the rest of the time I am either a) taking care of the kids b) working or c) prepping for work or for the kids. And the icing of the cake has been this LONG SHITTY COLD CRAPPY MISERABLE winter. I feel like I am living in the movie “Groundhog Day”. Every day is the same.
I don’t know what fun is anymore. Actually I do.
People. Connection. Laughter.
The darkness sets in at night. When I am alone. I use facebook as a connection to the outside world. My kids are sleeping so I can’t go anywhere so I go online and try to connect with people who aren’t really there. Sometimes I wish I had a special someone to share my life with… so at night I wasn’t alone (and I really am not alone with 2 kids a dog and 2 cats). But I know that comes with complication and compromise which I am not willing to give at this point in my life. I want to live my life 100% for me. I have spent most of my life trying to please others… and its my time for me. A time when I can fall asleep at 8pm and not feel bad. Or eat a tub of ice cream. Or listen to really bad 90’s music.
And the reality is that people in relationships are lonely too. Another person might save me from being alone but I might still be lonely. So that isn’t a solution.
This has become somewhat of a rant… now my insecurities are setting in.
Who the hell is going to read it this far? I wonder how many people have actually made it this far… Maybe I shouldn’t publish it…
But I will.
Because maybe someone out there is feeling lonely too. And maybe that person can relate to what I am saying and they feel just a little less alone then they felt before.
And sometimes when I get lonely I eat crappy food, lots of it… but that is a whole other post.
So this is me. Being me. Putting myself out there for all to see. I love my life and wouldn’t change a thing. But this is part of who I am. I am not ashamed… and neither should you.
“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” – Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love