I have started to make real changes in my life. I have come to realize that I have been spinning my wheels for my whole life. Although I have made progress, there are some recurring themes and battles that I have faced that always seem to come back and slap me in the face. Everything is going well and BAM! I lose my path and start behaving as if I don’t know any better. I am on a mission to revamp the way I do things cause this sure isn’t working. When history repeats itself you may need to go back to the drawing board and rewrite the whole damn thing.

I know who I want to be and I know where I am. Some days the gap between the two is small and on other days I can’t even see my ideal self in the mess of the present. Until now this is how I have dealt with things. I wonder if you can relate:

1. Decide “THAT”S IT”
2. Go HAM on everything. Eat Clean. Train like an animal. Stop drinking.
3. After two weeks of this FEEL AMAZING. I think “wow I can’t believe I haven’t lived like this all my life. I will never go back to the old me.”
4. Something happens. Work stress. Home stress. Tired. BOOM! All goes out the window. Starts with something small and ends with me eating pizza in bed feeling shame and having a sore belly.
5. On average 3-5 days pass and I go back to step 1. Although this phase could go longer.

Funny enough one of the first posts in this blog is about DEPRIVATION and INDULGENCE cycles of my life.

Have I not learned anything?

Yes I have. But I was going about it all wrong. My diet mentality, my fear of being fat is stopping me from being the person I want to be. And coming into the holidays is the worse. I deprive until the parties and then eat and drink like the world is ending.

Can you relate? Do you want to stop the cycle?

I know I do and I think the only way to do it is say FUCK IT! I will eat whatever I want, whenever I want (I just had a mini heart attack saying that).

What if I decided to stop the cycle and learn to trust myself. Turn food into food and not some kind of trophy or make it more than it is FOOD. Fucking FOOD.

Some people don’t think about food like I do. Some people just eat it. Not me. It is an obsession beyond an obsession. It has to stop.

I have made a few changes in my life that have put things into perspective. I recommend you listen to the following podcasts. Although I have not read The Miracle Morning I have started implementing some of the ideas from this podcast in my life. I am already seeing changes.

My nutritionist/therapist (we should find a new name for that) Nutrapist? Summer Innanen has a podcast that I love. For all you diet and food obsessed people who want to STOP THE MADNESS listen to any of these episodes. Although if you go on iTunes the latest two about the holiday madness and the one about crushing self doubt are amazing.

I have never felt better or thought clearer in all my life. Morning meditation, gratitude, intention and the belief that I will remain committed to my goals. Belief in what I am doing, where I am going and that failure is not the opposite of success, but a stepping stone to it.

I have failed many times in my life, especially when it comes to food and drink. That means that I have learned over and over and over and are closer and closer to success. The amount that I have failed makes me realize that I am going about it all wrong. I will change the way I do things and try,try, try again. Cause I want it SO BAD.

I know the person I want to be and until now I haven’t trusted myself enough to become her. Here is my intention (you may not believe it when you first write it down but the more you tell yourself it’s true to closer it becomes true):

I trust myself and my future.

When I respect myself and the commitments I make to myself, like eating healthy, exercising, and being productive I am happy and feel a strong sense of accomplishment. This sense of accomplishment fills me with pride and joy and brings me closer to the person I want to be. I want to follow through on my words because my actions will help me achieve my goals and develop my self esteem. I am not my past. I can do anything I put my mind to if I believe in myself, work hard and stay focused and dedicated to where I want to be.

A setback is not a failure.

I don’t want to live a mediocre life. I want it to be great. Mediocrity is easy, but great needs to be earned. And I am ready to work for it. 

The power of intention is strong. So is gratitude, love and self confidence. The belief that you can achieve your goals. Whatever it is, go forth and conquer. I’ll be here to cheer you on and write about my journey, right alongside you.

P.S. By the way part of my journey involves writing everyday. I guess I don’t have to post it to my blog but if my words help others then I think it is worth it. Don’t know how long my public posts will last. I might have some demons in the closet.

P.S.S. I remember struggling to write 1000 word essays. This one is close. It’s amazing how writing about your passion makes it seem so easy to do. Wait… almost there. Need 10 more words and I am at 1000. There we go.